Thinking Through Unconditional Parenting

I've started reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, which is mandatory reading in the Attachment Parenting circles these days, and something Janet and I find ourselves talking about a lot. The basic thesis is: most parenting books and techniques focus on eliciting desired behaviors from our children (going to the potty, being quiet, doing what they're told) rather than trying to turn them into the kind of people we want them to be (self-directed, self-disciplined, compassionate, considerate, etc.) Kohn is revolting against the reductionist, behaviorist, authoritarian model of parenting that focuses entirely on the child's behavior and assumes that parents' immediate utilitarian goals are always valid. Instead, he asks parents to focus on what's going on inside the child, and to work with the psychological realities of the child's life. Rather than using rewards and punishments to "reinforce" desired behaviors, parents should seek to evoke in their children the internal motivations we want them ultimately to have as adults.

Kohn has about 90% of me convinced. I agree with his basic premise: our goal of raising powerful, capable kids does not necessarily jibe with our immediate desires to get them to do what we want them to do. There are a lot of tactical questions, though, where I'm still fighting him in my head and in our home laboratory.

Kohn is correct when he says that our assumptions about parenting are largely derived from our assumptions about human nature. If we believe children are trying the best that they can, and that they naturally want to do good, then we parent them one way; if we are cynical and assume they will press every advantage to take as much from you as they can and need to be "whipped into line", then a completely different parenting style emerges.

The problem is, as much as I come from an ultimately optimistic spiritual perspective, it is heavily tinged with a mostly pessimistic view of human nature. I know that even the most well-intentioned of people (especially myself) are prone to laziness, selfishness, and rationalization. I have a "trust but verify" attitude on most things -- I will expect the best from my children, but also prepare for the worst. I think they will be mostly honest and good-willed . . . but sometimes they may need to be reminded of their best intentions. Most locks and alarms are not really intended to prevent entry -- they are there to "keep honest people honest." In the same way, I think parenting needs to be mostly based on communication and mutual respect, wholely in line with Kohn's "unconditional" approach . . . but sometimes, there will still be the need for reward and punishment, and arbitrarily enforced or reinforced behavior.

I haven't completely articulated these thoughts in my mind, but I will be revisiting the ideas often as I work my way through the book. I especially invite those who know more about this stuff to prove me wrong.