The Respectable Addiction
I started thinking about those checklists for alcohol addiction, and matched it to my working life:
- Do you hide how much you work?
- Do you lie to family and friends about how much you work?
- Do you work at inappropriate hours?
- Do you work alone?
- Do you binge work to the point of being sick?
And I had all the usual excuses the alcoholic has: but I'm still doing well at my job! My family is generally happy! There's nothing wrong with hard work! I can stop any time I want to!
But I can't. I have tried to mend my ways, probably as long as I've been working, and I've never been able to control it for more than a week or two before falling into the same patterns:
- Overcommitting on a project, promising to deliver more functionality or hit a tight deadline that can not reasonably be met in the allotted time.
- Once overcommitted, I start stealing time to cover up the shortfall. I steal time from sleep, from family, from other clients, from other organizations.
- Sometimes I overcome the deficit. The work is done, the client is happy, but I am exhausted. More often, the deficit continues, and becomes a string of missed deadlines and postponed appointments.
- Through it all, I keep lying to myself and others: "Oh, it's only a few more hours. I'll knock it out." "I really ought to be able to finish this in the time that I have." I modify the official record of my billing time, so it looks like I was steadily plunking along instead of cramming it into an all-nighter.
The same patterns emerge in the rest of my life. My work for the SKS follows a similar pattern: overcommitment, frantic binges of work, missed deadlines, inconsistent focus, and sporadic effectiveness.
None of this is new information. Anyone who ever worked with me understands this pattern. Every boss I ever had encouraged me to change the pattern. But I was intelligent, and hard-working, and in spite of the limitations on my capacity, I was making money for my employers. They accepted my inability to manage my time as a management challenge, and left it at that.
I'm not as bad off as many. I'm not an executive working 80 hours a week and a total stranger to his kids. I'm a consultant who works 60 hours a week and who is constantly overcommitted and stressed out.
I have hit bottom. I can't go on like this.
Labels: Life Reflections
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